isn't just about two people jumping into bed together to get their
rocks off, and never is the phrase 'different strokes for different
folks' truer than when talking about sexual preferences and
practises. In an ongoing series of interviews that uncover and
celebrate the diversity of sex, Vibes Direct blogger Rose
Crompton speaks to male submissive, Unspeakable Axe, about
what it's like being in a Domme/sub relationship and not just seeing
a Mistress for a quick punishment fix.
“Some people think of 'submissive' and all they imagine is a snivelling, whimpering guy wearing a leather hood, but what it means to me is putting the pleasure of the dominant person before my own satisfaction. Although it can sometimes mean donning a hood, which my owner/girlfriend Sade likes to do to me sometimes, ultimately my main motivation is making her happy. Sometimes that means cleaning the tub, other times it's giving her a massage or finding movies I think she'll like. To a degree there's no difference between being someone's submissive and being a really attentive and romantic boyfriend.
Since an early age, even before I knew what sex was, I had an awareness that I liked to be dominated. I would tie myself up and imagine a strong, attractive woman 'capturing' me, but in my daydreams they wouldn't do anything to me – since I was still naive about sex – but I'd imagine the woman overpowering and objectifying me. At that point I didn't know why I liked it, it was just something I did. Eventually I discovered masturbation and then my self-bondage took on a whole new meaning, especially as I grew up on a farm so there were lots of places for me to hide and tie myself up, like in the middle of a field, or in the barn loft on some straw bales.
It wasn't until I was 22 that I had my first experience with a Mistress, although she wasn't a professional one, I'd met her online in one of the many kink communities and I drove 26 hours non-stop to spend the weekend with her. I was extremely nervous, but for the most part she was very gentle (thankfully).
She had two other male slaves there already and I was a little bit uncomfortable around them at first because I'd so far only expressed my submissive side to dominant women. To be around guys who saw that side of me during my time made me feel very uncomfortable. She had ideas of wanting to play with all three of us at the same time, but she was nice enough not to push me into it for my first experience.
After that it proved difficult to meet women that wanted a true Domme/sub relationship, which is partly the reason why I started my blog, UnspeakableAxe.com. I needed a place to vent about how hard it was to meet truly dominant women and I met a lot of women that lied about who they were or what they wanted. It was at that point I moved to New York so I'd have more opportunities to meet someone.
Looking back at early posts now, some of the entries are quite depressing, but the blog did help me meet many people on the scene; I've made lots of friends and even met a few play partners. I'd get emails from dominant women and other submissive men and I received a lot of encouraging words from people who could relate to my struggles in meeting someone for a serious D/s relationship and not just a bit of slap and tickle. Eventually it led me to Sade and she had read a lot of the blog before dating me, so she knew what I'd been through, what I was looking for and what she was getting herself into.
From the blog I then developed the podcast, Masocast.com, because I enjoy talking to kinky people, so I decided to start recording a few chats with friends and it just took off! There are now almost 90 episodes of Masocast and last time I checked there were close to 30,000 people listening each month including comments from all over the world. It's really great to hear about the kink scene in different countries.
A little bit of give & take
Every Mistress is different, so summing up the qualities of what a good Domme should have will vary for everyone. For me it's someone who's funny, sexy, motivated, understanding, a little evil and sadistic, knows how to push my buttons and likes to try new things. For example, I've always enjoyed anal play – known as 'pegging' on the scene – but it wasn't until I met Sade that I experienced prostate orgasms and she trained me to have them. I didn't even know this was possible before her!
Although I love bondage, various kinds of pain (flogging, caning, spanking), teasing and denial, it's also important for a Mistress to know when to take care of me when I need it, but also allows me to take care of her when she needs it. I'd say to have a good D/s relationship, rather than just a play-partner situation, it's important for the sub to know their limitations. They should be realistic and can't expect their dominant to be always “on”. Never try to manipulate your dominant into playing (i.e. making mistakes just so you can get punished) and understand that your dominant is a person too and may need down time from the role.
Maybe during these times, think about the little things that make your dominant happy like buying them flowers, offering a massage, doing the laundry or the dishes, reading to them or going out to dinner. Ultimately you're still being submissive and putting their desires before your own.
During a session and in terms of play, I try not to hold back what I'm feeling and let my body react to what she's doing. Sade really gets off on reactions so I've been trying to give as much physical feedback as I can.
Every sub has their limit as to what they'll do, or allow to happen to them, and for me I draw the line at face-slapping. Some Dommes and subs like it, but it's something I react negatively to because it can put me in a sad space since I associate it with the highest level of disapproval. Sade knows this, so rarely does it, but on one occasion with a different play-partner I had to stop the session because of it.
I'd told this friend who wanted to play about my negative reaction. Shortly after we started she slapped me in the face; she wasn’t doing it because I said I had an aversion to it, she simply got carried away and forgot, but she could tell it was over – within a millisecond my body language changed from “wow this is fun” to “this is the worst experience ever and I want to be 1000 miles away from here”. She felt bad of course and apologised and we’re still friends.
What goes through my mind when we're playing though really varies. Sometimes I'm in deep subspace, - a combination of emotional and physical reactions – then nothing is going through my mind. When in subspace it's like her ownership of me washes over me and in that moment I'm completely her slave and every thought, every emotion, every breath is me wanting to please her. If there's pain involved then the endorphins kick in and I'm almost drunk on the high I can get from it. Usually at the start of a session I'll feel nervous or worried that I won't be able to take what's about to happen, but that feeling vanishes quickly. Other times I'm over-eager at the beginning and desperate to have sex, even though there's a lot more planned before that happens and I'm not allowed to orgasm without Sade's permission. She has total control, which is what I've been searching for in a D/s relationship.
Pick a toy
I really love pegging and so one of our favourite toys is a custom-made strap-on harness for Sade, which we got from one of our local leather shops. We have a lot of rope for bondage, cuffs, collars and gags, which are all great!
Recently added to our collection is a combo wrist and ankle spreader bar set, which I enjoy because I love the feeling of being spread without an inch to move. With rope there's sometimes some wiggle room (literally) and while I enjoy rope there's something about being completely immobile and spread wide, feeling vulnerable. With metal restraints I can fight and writhe against the bonds, weather I'm in pain or pleasure, and I won't have moved an inch.
Be a Domme/sub success
Unspeakable Axe met many people and play mates before finding the Mistress for him. We asked Axe to reveal his top five tips on how to sustain a successful D/s relationship
push it – Let her know what you like without imposing your
desires upon her and don't be constantly pushing for play. Be
available and open to it, but not so eager it turns her off.
Stand out – If the woman you desire is in the scene, then she probably gets more attention from sub men than she wants and eventually all of the emails become a blur. Point out something that she may not have been asked before, find something you both have in common and if you’re just communicating with her for the first time don’t throw yourself at her feet begging to worship her, she may have had 40 people begging for the same thing this week.
Address her correctly – Find out what she likes to be called. Don’t say “Mistress” or “Goddess” unless she specifically calls herself that. The best thing would be to politely ask how she likes to be addressed.
Be selfless – Don't limit your enjoyment of her body to your fetishes, enjoy every inch of her and try to learn what turns her on, sexually and otherwise, so she can explore new experiences too.
Play it cool – Don’t be over-eager. Desperation is not attractive unless she’s trying to make you beg for something (tease and denial). However, if you're really into her then let her know that you're not just looking for any dominant woman, but that you're interested in her as a person as well as a Mistress.
(Main Image: c.louise/sxc.hu)